We had our problems like any other family, but there was a lot of love growing up. My Father showed interest in me by coaching teams I played on. My Mom worked two jobs, and still managed to spend real time with me. I had a solid friend groups. By all accounts I was living a life that most kids would envy. My only problem?
I was terribly unhappy inside. Fear, anger, and anxiety were eating me up. They were making my life’s decisions and worst of all I didn’t even know it.
No one knew this was going. My mask was so good, I honestly didn’t know I was wearing one. Under the surface though I was in pain. Always trying to avoid feeling my fear, “scripting” my life to accommodate it. I spent most of my time trying to make others happy, ducking my fear by playing ‘small’. Sticking my head in the sand and pretending it wasn’t there.
All of my choices were to accommodate my fear so I didn’t have to feel it.
As I got older, my fear got stronger. I was even less willing to do or try new things because I was afraid of feeling failure. Of being rejected. Of being told no. I shielded myself from new relationships that I really wanted to try, I allowed opportunities that could have been fulfilling to me to pass me by, you name it. If it challenged my script of “keeping myself emotionally safe” it had to go.
My world kept getting smaller as I justified not living the life I wanted through, “I’m keeping myself safe.”
I was using food, tobacco, alcohol, sugar, you name it, to numb the pain. My fear came out through unhelpful emotions such as anger towards myself and loved ones. My ability to love myself, even like myself, and keep my self doubt at bay was eroding along with my script.
Something had to change.
My discomfort had reached a tipping point just as I was entering College in Boston. I had started Boxing at the local Y and was fortunate enough to find a great friend in mentor named E, who taught me my life's most valuable lesson.
"You could not be oversensitive to your emotions, only undertrained."
I was no longer willing to follow my ‘script’ and trade the authentic life I wanted for a life of feeling less fear. I painstakingly sought out and studied under incredibly wise and compassionate mentors, earned myself a Masters degree in Eastern Medicine, learning how to use the energy around me and my emotions within me to go after the life I wanted. I put that energetic knowledge to the test, putting myself through some of the most physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding challenges in the world, such as Ironman racing, Marathons, to build relationships with my uncomfortable emotions.
“I no longer wait frightened of when my fear might show up in my life. I have healthy relationships with all of my emotions. I learned to listen to them, value them, even befriend them, so I can use them to fuel my actions towards building the life I wanted.”
